IN Toronto magazine

My partner and I have been mostly happy for six years in a committed monogamous relationship. About five months ago he admitted to having had an affair with someone he volunteers with. He is and has been consistently remorseful. We have talked extensively about what happened but I’m still struggling. I am still very much in love and feel that he is doing his best to reassure me that he knows what got him off the rails. How do I stop obsessing about this and regain my trust in him?

Pablo

Moving past an affair requires the strength of an emotional warrior and I commend you for giving it an honest go. Especially when we live in a culture that sees any affair as a betrayal so traumatizing that any attempt at salvaging a relationship seems simply naïve.
I feel differently: Too many good relationships end after an affair when they don’t necessarily have to.

While some of your friends might be spewing the whole “leopard doesn’t change its spots” stuff, being a “cheater” is not an identity or orientation. Everyone is capable of cheating and it doesn’t mean that he will definitely graze outside the relationship again. However, it’s important to examine your partner’s integrity in general: Is deception a problem in other ways in his life? Does he tend to act out or distract himself instead of taking responsibility for his needs and behaviours? Have any of your friends expressed concerns about how you’re being treated?

I’m hoping that your guy has found some other ways to volunteer his precious time. If not, you have every right to ask him to do so. Be clear about your boundaries and needs. If you need extra one-on-one time, or the opposite is true, and you need more time with your friends, just ask for it.

I know you wish the seas were calmer by now, but five months really isn’t that long. Give yourselves permission to take some time with this. Make sure you are respectfully communicating your feelings as they change over time. If he is committed to seeing the relationship through this crisis, he will be open to revisiting your feelings and concerns as much as is necessary.

While it is absolutely your partner’s fault for acting out, eventually both of you will need to look at how each has contributed to ongoing relationship issues. Consider enlisting a couples therapist for back-up support — it’s helpful to have a third party around when pursuing an emotional archeological dig. This recent pitfall could actually be an opportunity for your relationship to deepen and become more intimate.

The hard truth is that there are no guarantees of fidelity in any relationship. We could all choose to live comfortably in our caves to avoid the potentially heart-flattening risks of getting close to another person. It sounds like you, healthfully, view the chance at true intimate connection as being totally worth it. Good luck!