IN Toronto magazine

"The sun is shining but I’m a mess: I’ve fallen for a wonderful guy and we’ve been seeing each other for about eight months. Things with him are incredible but I’m a ball of nerves. I’m plagued by anxiety and fear that this is just a dream that is going to end as soon as I begin to relax into it. He makes me feel like a prince and has done nothing to confirm my fears of rejection, yet I can’t shake the feeling that I’m going to be left broken-hearted for someone sexier or more successful. Help!" 

Andre

Let’s start with the hard truth: There is a chance that your nightmare of being left will actually come true. What isn’t true, despite what your anxious mind would like to have you believe, is that a break-up is something you need to fear like Madonna’s next movie.

There’s no question that it would hurt like hell to let this dream guy into your soul and then have it all fall apart. But know what? You’d survive it.

Anxiety is a tricky bugger. Anxious thinking can offer us an illusion of having control, that  is, “If I think of all that could go terribly, horribly wrong before it happens, I will at least be prepared or even prevent it from happening at all.” In the field of psychology, this is known as “magical thinking” whereby we can attribute magical powers to our thoughts. The unfortunate irony is that this coping strategy is actually making you miserable and making it very hard to enjoy the beauty that is your budding relationship.

To be blunt, beginning a new relationship stirs up all of our crap: Am I smart enough…? What if he finds out that I watch Everybody Loves Raymond reruns…? To fully invest emotionally in another person means feeling a good deal of vulnerability. Feeling some fear is a healthy part of getting involved. However, it sounds like your fear has swept in and eclipsed your good sense. To stay grounded, focus on the experience of your actual time together as a way of curbing obsessive thoughts about what might happen.

Getting into a relationship requires a certain level of esteem: You have to feel you’re worth being in a relationship with. I’m going to guess that esteem has been a challenge for you predating this new relationship. Growing up with critical parents or living in this incredibly judgmental world is likely feeding an internal voice saying that you don’t measure up. As queers, this sense of “not enough-ness” doesn’t just go away once we come out of the closet. Childhood wounds can have us navigating the world with a shield in hopes of preventing any re-injury. Seeing a therapist might help you learn about where this sense of worthlessness comes from and help you heal from those injuries.

Stop comparing yourself to some imaginary Andre Version 2.0 who is “better” than you. Your task here is to be able to comfort your fears of rejection without buying into the idea that there is an actual apocalyptic-style threat awaiting you. In other terms, befriend that freaked-out boy inside of you but don’t let him run the show.