IN Toronto magazine

“My partner and I have been together for six years in an open relationship. We are happily each other’s main squeeze and have agreed to supplemental sex on the side. I’m a little worried about the frequency of my hookups over the past year. I meet guys at the gym, online and at a public washroom near work. I enjoy the sex but feel a little out of control. How do I know if I’m just a robustly horny guy or if I’m heading into sex rehab territory?”

Frederic

Never before have the words “sex addiction” been so present in our collective consciousness. Endless stories about Tiger Woods’ multitude of mistresses and reality TV shows about recovering sex addicts have resulted in a wave of self-diagnosis and, frankly, overuse of this label.

But if you are feeling wigged out by your nonstop sexing, you’re likely on to something. Sex, ideally, should feel good and not leave you feeling guilty or disconnected.

Gay, lesbian and trans folks have had to fight for sexual freedoms and as a result it’s fair to praise our clans for being fairly sex-positive.However, mindlessly seeking out sex whenever we have free time on our hands or want a hit of validation is kind of sex-negative.

Being able to access sex at all hours of the day via bathhouses or online profile sites provides a perfect climate for sexual compulsiveness. Because hook-ups can happen almost immediately [“There’s an app for that!”], it’s more crucial than ever to pause before beginning a sex hunt and examine how you are feeling. Ask yourself: Am I feeling lonely… sad… angry… fearful about anything? Is my co-worker’s passive-aggressive shit making me feel miserable? Am I upset that my BF was flirtatious with the bartender last night?

Using a sexual high to sidestep other less pleasurable emotional states reinforces a belief that our feelings are dangerous and need to be avoided. For some people that high can come from endless googling of washed-up ’80s one-hit wonders, eating an entire bag of chips without noticing or coming home with every episode of Wonder Woman on DVD and other crap you don’t need. None of these activities are inherently unhealthy, but when they are abused to the point of making us unconscious to our own lives, that spells trouble.

Also, what you interpret as horniness sometimes could be a longing for true connection. Seeking intimacy through anonymous sex may delay a feeling of loneliness but certainly won’t resolve it. For a lot of guys, it feels easier to seek out closeness with a stranger rather than risk feeling vulnerable by truly opening up to a friend or partner.

On a final note: If you intend to go out for a walk and get an ice-cream and end up with something/someone else in your mouth, it’s likely not just serendipity. On some level, you invited it. So take some responsibility for your choices. Sex is hottest when it’s what you really want and you’re not sleepwalking through it.